Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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