Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
