Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You work out of a Hotel?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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