dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
