Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
