What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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