If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
