don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
