woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This is classic penis vs brain.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
