ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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