My liver just broke up with me...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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