Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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