I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
