it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
