I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
