I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
