Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
