Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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