I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
