grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
