Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
