I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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