So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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