There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
