and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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