Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
