if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
