i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
