party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
