In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
