I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
