where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
