I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Randomize
