she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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