My liver just broke up with me...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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