Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
