Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There's even glitter on my cock...
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