he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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