i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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