Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
