Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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