Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
