I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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