Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
