Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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