Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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