one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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