Pappa wants mamma naked
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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