im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
