Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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