Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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