your thong is hanging out like whoa
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
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The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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