All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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