My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
