you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've blown a few things in my day
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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