Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
