he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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