My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
