omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
