I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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