thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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