Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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