apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
