3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
