Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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